The mirror will flatter you if you let it, but All-In Adaptive Leaders need a way to make it reflect the truth
A few years ago, I was a guest on Doug Brown’s CEO Sales Strategies Podcast, and we spent much of our conversation on what I call The Three Yous. At one point, I made an admission: “I can look in the mirror and convince myself that I’m a pretty cool guy.”
Most of us can. The mirror usually shows us the person we want to see, and it is very good at hiding the rest.
Doug and I talked about what it takes to get past that. When you ask others for input on who you are, you may not like what you hear, and some leaders discount that input for exactly that reason. When they do, they lose the chance to learn from it. To see yourself clearly, you have to be able to trust some of the inputs you get from other people, including the ones you would rather not hear.
The Mirror Test
When I wrote about Values earlier in this series, I described what I call the “Mirror Test.” At the end of a hard day, can you look at yourself in the mirror and know you did the right thing when no one was watching?
That question sits at the center of the fourth of our Big 6 Leadership Principles®, Do the Right Thing When No One Is Looking. Last week I wrote about integrity in uncertain times. This week I want to look at where integrity gets tested first, which is in private. Most of the integrity decisions a leader makes happen where no one else will ever see them, and the only scorekeeper is the person in the mirror.
That makes the mirror important, and it also makes it a problem. In 2020, Lieutenant Colonel Joe Byerly wrote about how the Army’s Commander Assessment Program was forcing leaders to reflect, and he observed, “Unfortunately, reflection is a lost art. Many of us are too preoccupied to make time for it.” Most of us glance at the mirror on the way out the door. The Mirror Test only works when you look long enough to see something you would rather not.
The Three Yous
One of my favorite descriptions of self-awareness is The Three Yous:
- There is the You that you think you are,
- The You that others think you are,
- And the real You.
The mirror shows you the first one. The second lives in the minds of your team, your peers, and your family, and they rarely volunteer it. Finding the real You means reconciling the two. Reconciling the Three Yous is not simple or easy, but it is fundamental to the growth of your Emotional Intelligence.
Daniel Goleman, one of the thought leaders in this field, defines self-awareness as “the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives, as well as their effects on others.” The mirror can help you with the first half of that definition. Only other people can tell you about the second half.
This is why the Mirror Test and self-awareness are so closely tied. Leaders who cannot see themselves clearly can fail the test without knowing it, because the You they think they are keeps reporting that they passed.
Seeing yourself clearly is a discipline, and like any discipline, it is built through daily practice. Below, I share the ten-minute Daily Audit I recommend, how to get the feedback you may not want to hear, and the weekly check that keeps the habit honest. To read the rest of this article, visit this link.
A Ten-Minute Daily Audit
The simplest tool I know for passing the Mirror Test is the Daily Audit. Spend ten minutes by yourself without distractors, and that means being truly alone, without the phone or computer. Review what you accomplished that day and ask yourself four questions.
· What did I do today to build my own self-awareness?
· What did I do to build the self-awareness of others?
· Which You was dominant today?
· What am I going to do tomorrow to understand and be the Real You?
I know executives who, when their audit time arrives on the drive home, pull into a rest stop and turn off the engine, with the phone put away where they cannot see or hear it. And then they spend ten minutes answering the audit questions.
Self-reflection is a process, but it only works if you stay with it. Some of my own audits have not been pleasant conversations, because I realized I had spent the day directing activity instead of fostering learning. Those are the days the audit earns its ten minutes.
Practical tool here: Put your Daily Audits on your calendar but give them a code (like “DA”) so people seeing it don’t think the IRS is stalking you. Also, start with 3 days a week for these audits; once they become a habit after practicing them 21 times, you can increase to 4 days a week, then 5. By then you won’t need to put them on your calendar anymore.
Ask for the Input You May Not Like
The second You comes from other people. A good friend of mine, a senior executive, requires her leaders to identify one specific self-awareness characteristic they think she should improve on each time they have a one-on-one meeting. Then the next time they meet, she reports out what she is doing to improve.
You do not need a formal program to start. I encourage every senior leader to find a battle buddy, a trusted advisor who will have frank conversations with you and give you honest feedback this week, next week, and next quarter. In the Army, every rifle squad and crew had battle buddies who looked out for one another. Without one, the first You tends to take over, because no one is there to help you reconcile it with the second.
It also helps to laugh at yourself. Goleman counts a self-deprecating sense of humor among the primary indicators of self-awareness, and the most outstanding leaders I have known were masters of it. When it was time for a teachable moment because we had screwed up royally, these leaders told us a story about when they had done the same thing, or worse. They never made others the target of their humor. Their own mistakes became the fodder, and that humility made people want to be around them.
Keep Score Weekly
Once a week, write down the dates and times you conducted your Daily Audit, the times you used yourself as the source of humor about a mistake, and the one-on-ones where you asked for feedback on your self-awareness. You should see the entries grow with each update. When they do, start teaching your leaders to build the same habit. Journaling is a powerful self-development tool for All-In Adaptive Leaders. Bring it to life.
The Do the Right Thing Workbook takes this concept to a deeper level. Its summary 30-Day Integrity Plan asks you to name one value, one behavior, one accountability partner, and one measurable commitment. Download the Do the Right Thing Workbook, and if you want to run the session with your team, the Do the Right Thing Facilitator Guide walks you through it.
For a related read, see Mirror Mirror: Taking the Time for Self-Reflection.
I’d love to hear which of the Three Yous has surprised you most. Leave a comment below and let’s talk about it.
Enjoy the journey!
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